My journey has not been the one I planned growing up. Influences and experiences had taken away the innocence of childhood early on. This altered my beliefs for most of my life. Maybe this endless mind chatter is why I have had one dream I have not followed through with, but remains the one constantly returning passion in my life.
All else has sprouted and withered in short expanses of time. Some have accused me of being a dreamer with more dream than motivation. I have been referred to as irresponsible, flighty, and indecisive. These accusations may or may not have been true at various moments. However, I have always moved forward in some fashion or another; overcoming obstacles and finding happiness throughout my journey. It has not been all roses, but in hindsight I realize that each speed bump or sink hole helped me traverse the next set of obstacles.
“This journey I am presently on is probably all his fault.” I caution you not to read into that statement because I don’t look to lie blame here, only gratitude of sorts. Even stating this has taken it’s time in getting from my heart onto paper. It was rose from suffering a lose I didn’t think I was prepared for. I lost my husband, Pete, and remained numb for the first year. Slowly I found myself beginning to feel again. Sometimes too much as every emotion at once would overwhelm me and escape in wrenching sobs. It was in such moments every part of who I was was released. The past now stares me in the face while the future is a blank.
Consciously I search for truths every moment; forcing myself to draw confidence, awareness, inspiration, beliefs, and self-love from what I know to be true not what I have allowed myself to believe is true. In the negative space I find a person created by outside influences and opinions. In the positive, I find an authentic me; The one that shines for the world to see, not the one who conforms to it. Which wolf will I feed?
Remaining in positive space changes my thoughts. I will think less about outcomes because all is well in the moment. Not obsessing over the small stuff stops the mountain of stress I create for myself. My world shifts and happiness is found within me. Here in this change is where I will find an authentic existence. I have decided this is the one I want to continually feed.
I began this part of my journey questioning everything and criticizing every aspect of who I was until I no longer knew me or the world I found myself in. Memories and pain from my childhood to the present overwhelmed my senses as I remembered the molestation, not fitting in, domestic violence, being a family’s outcast, and finally the lose of my best friend. In all this, I realized I would never be who I am supposed to be if I allow these things to rule my thoughts and beliefs. So because divine timing took Pete away so early, I now have the chance of finding me and keeping my power.
I discovered everything in life is duality; Yin and yang, 2 sides to every coin, heaven and hell, positive and negative. So I begin by acknowledging both sides of my thinking and my actions. First, I ask myself, “where do I give power away”… I overthink my situation, I cling to outcomes, I fear being lonely for the rest of my life and I criticize my choices. Secondly I ask myself, “what are my successes.” They are found looking at the love I have had, the successful children I have raised, and the strengths it took me to get to today. I know it is not in the details or the why of my experiences that I find answers. They lie in whether I allow them to negatively or positively influence my life from now on.
The lessons of experiencing began before I knew there where lessons to be learned; at the moment I entered the world. I joke about having done things backward and without patience since the day of my birth. I tried to enter this world feet first, and instead was slowed down. I remained in traction for a month with a broken hip as a result of my breach birth. Yes, I am a little hard-headed and have yet to master the art of patience. Alternately, I have allowed some of my experiences to skew my thoughts and bury me under mounds of stress. Now I find myself looking back to the earlier chapters of my life so I can re-write my truth in the upcoming chapters.
A whirlwind of mood and emotion,
Excuses available on a whim,
A friend turned devil in the blink of an eye.
So smooth and undiscovered you carry on….
The truth is you are transparent,
You fool no one but you.
Be careful of the knife you wield….
For it also waits for the day you