Time continues on as it always will…

except for me, it seems to be moving in some kind of a strange time warp. I am aware of time passing day to night but, my heart and mind are stuck in a day almost fifteen months ago. A day which is a reminder of all the things I miss so much and am forever grateful for – my husband, Pete, told me one last time “I love you” before he suddenly passed on, my world stood still, I found myself alone, and  time turned inside out.

In my outer world time moves forward with days turning to night and then dawning anew. With each new dawn, I may find myself back in the midst of the hurricane’s turbulent waves coming one after another. Somehow though, I have learned the ability to steer thru most of these storms unless I am caught off guard by an occasional popup storm that hits out of no where. It is because Time is a teacher that I have learned I can dance through the storms! I may look like a clown on the dance floor but, I am capable of dancing through this strange new life. Yet my mind has a time all of its own; it’s my inside time.

Inside time keeps that fateful day close in my mind. When I think about it it seems impossible that so much time has already passed. I have put things in somewhat of an order as I aimlessly wandered trying to find the life I fit into. Hell, I still do not even know who I really am, what I want, or  what I like anymore. Pete’s passing shattered my world into a million pieces and it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday. With the details of that night, him, and all the things I lost still clear in my mind- I cannot comprehend how so much time has passed. (Those memories are more clear than some of the recollections of these past months!) I never thought the grief process would unravel everything  and consume so much time in putting me back together.

Time has moved on around me nonetheless. It continues on whether we are here or there and with it comes change. Regardless of how sensitive I am to it now change is inevitable and necessary.  It is my acceptance of each that determines how well I will adjust. For now, I guess I need time inside out so I can slowly discover my new world as a changed person with passions new and old mixed.

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